Saturday, July 18, 2009

Time Stands Still

We don't expect to get any more really good news about Amiee's condition at this point, but we're not giving up! Years of research and appointments and trips out of town for seconda nd third and fourth opinions have all come down to these eternal, void hours of sitting by her side.

We use every ounce of zazen practice to keep our minds clear nad open when we are with her, then we drag oursleves home to sleep. Some days we end up sitting in the driveway or hospital parking lot for who knows how long. Just no strength to make it into the house and no reason to go in because the pain will follow.

Today her pain is a 7 out of 10. She has to use hand signals or try to write on an eraser board we got her because she can't speak. Her left lung is shrinking becasue she's been bedridden in the hospital for the past two months and lying on her left side. It's the side with the grapefruit-sized tumor in her angelic mouth and throat. Two rounds of chemo this week and it's growing again. Her blood pressure is 79/35 right now. You read that right. Honestly, we didn't know someone could live and be alert with pressure that low. They cannot increase the Dilaudid pain drip because her pressure is so low they fear she'll crash. The nurse walked out of the room shaking her head saying how 'sad, sad, sad' our situation is. We know.

We'll be leaving her soon to go back home. Time just stops and every reality and memory continually flood in carrying us along. Until something changes we're going to be right here beside her fighting, loving and waiting and letting her know everything is Ok. We are intimately connected to the human experience and for that we give thanks to the divine.

Practice a random act of kindness today and enjoy the peace that comes from loving.

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